Maori, Saxon, Elijah Blue-Gene and Dodge Hemi-James
Original post February 19, 2006
People have been asking me lately why I frequent baby naming sites. They always ask this in a low voice, and the question is often prefaced by, "Now, this might be too personal, but..." So I thought I'd use today's entry to explain why I look at baby naming sites.
The short story is, I am not pregnant - I have train-wreck syndrome. When there is a crash on the highway, I can't help but look. When there is a link that says "NSFW!!" (not safe for work) on it, I have to click it. My ears prick up when I hear sirens in the distance, and when I see smoke, I have to find where it's coming from.
How does this relate to baby names? Have a look at Mr Elijah Blue-Gene, and you tell me.
My favorite kinds of train-wrecks involve misappropriation of foreign cultures. The truly priceless ones are few and far between, but when they happen... oh, joy. Consider, for example, Maori. It's apparently a nice alternative to Naomi. Or perhaps Saxon might suit you better? Hey, it's your kid, you should name him what you want! I love it when people think a familiarity with anime makes you a cosmopolitan figure. Poor Evangeline Kitsune's sure thought so. And then, of course, there is the woman who named her son Celtic. Train wreck winners all.
Misappropriation of religion is a great phenomenon as well. We just had a debate on one of the boards about Mecca and Trinity - offensive or not? I think I wouldn't want to risk it with Mecca, honestly. Most misappropriation of religion occurs when parents want to sound mystical or well-travelled. They mostly end up sounding dumb. Most of you probably remember the Dharma Jane fiasco, so I won't go into that again, but have you met Osiris Orien Hayden yet? Or perhaps Karma Aurora? Hey, here's a whole list of deities whose names you can co-opt! I'm thinking of naming my firstborn Lakshmi Hecuba Surya or Adonai Odin Osiris Oberon! They're really interesting and worldly, aren't they?
My other favorite type of names is names where someone either obviously wasn't paying attention, or was paying too much attention in a bad way. Unfortunately, given the apparent stupidity of many of the people who breed today, it is difficult to tell the former from the latter. Elijah Blue-Gene is a good example of this sort of name. Did his parents really mean to name him after an article of clothing? We can only hope to the contrary, but it is more likely than not that they did. Did Henecy Alizae's parents mean to name her after not one but TWO types of alcohol?
Then there are the parents who think they are too clever for us. The parents of Emma Leigh, Jay Son, Brooke Lynn, and Heaven Leigh are obviously way ahead of the curve on this.
There are also those parents who feel the inexplicable drive to name their children after a well-known noun. This is particularly painful with place names spelled incorrectly (Isrrael Giovanni), but can be equally excruciating with plain nouns. See that Hailey Cloud over there? Can we get out of the storm in the Dodge Hemi-James (note: DODGE HEMI James), or would the Treslynne Rocket Wayne be faster? Maybe we could go harvest the fruits of paradise with our Eden Sickle!
Also, Fayth Seven. I couldn't incorporate it into the sentence, but I want you all to take note: her middle name is Seven. SEVEN. SEVEN!
Also, did you know that some children never grow up? It's true! That's why it's okay to give these kids names like Dream Starr, Bella Cherie, Presious Mailyn, and Lillian-Mae Buttercup! Awww, they're so sweet! They're gonna be cute widdle babies fowever!!
You know how some train-wrecks are riveting because of the blood and gore of it all, and others are riveting due to sheer scale of the disaster? Let's meet some kids whose names fall into BOTH of these categories! Mom and Dad couldn't decide on one atrocious name... so they decided to go with them all! Hey, Ta'Varejha Romonique, could you come out here, please? And bring Emmettreio Ay'Lie Chug Chu-Kut with you? We're trying to solve a Jumble, and we think you might provide some inspiration. Hey, what about getting Ukiah James Ryvre Okemos Rain out here, too? And Sevanah Nevaeh Lea Ramona Lisa, would you come too? Now, where's Sihkyliin Rae Taeghen-Owl? Oh, Sihkyliin Rae Taeghen-Owl, come out to join us! What? You won't? Why's that? There's certainly nothing to be embarrassed about.
On the other hand, Lexi Jo could probably have used a full name to fall back on.
Of course, I couldn't let you go without your weekly dose of royalty and social-ladder-climbing. So meet Imperial Aymara. Desdemona Minerva Dior just wishes she could be Imperial. Seriously.