Sunday, October 22, 2006

In honor of the season:

My father spent the evening hanging about a thousand pieces of string in front of our door, to make a spooky entrance for trick-or-treaters next week, so I figure there is no better time than to examine some seriously spooky names. Granted, most names featured on this blog are seriously spooky names, but I think we are long overdue for an updated on... GOTH NAMES!

Yes! Remember Rasputina, Nothing, Calamity and Chlamydia? Let's be serious, who could forget Chlamydia? Well, as the biggest goth night of the year draws closer, let's review some names currently popular on the goth/"goth"/mental scene: has kindly provided us with an entire list appropriate for the season. Included are such gems as:

Banshee - "Screaming Spirit"
Blair - "A Witch Project"
Bloody Mary - "Ghost Legend"
Bones - "Skeletal" (Bones would never get teased in junior high, I bet)
Boo - "Scary"
Chaos - "Extremely Disorganized"
Cyclops - "One-Eyed"
Dementia - "Insanity"
Fang - "Long Tooth" (This one would definitely get bottle-fed)
Hulk - "Scary Superhero"
Malifacent - "Evil Godmother in "Sleeping Beauty"" (Way to spell, Way to spell.)
Reaper - "Very Grim Visitor" (I think this definition is my favorite)
Salem - Witchy Black Cat (Or, you know, that whole witch trials thing. Ooooh, spooky.)
Sasquatch - Bigfoot (definitely wouldn't want a breech birth with Sasquatch)
Scarface - Al Capone's Nickname (only appropriate if they have to use forceps)
Skull - Skinless Head (that's one way to put it, I guess.)
Zombie - Living Dead (every woman wants to give birth to the living dead!!)

On one discussion board, the debate raged on goth names for a truly unfortunate pair of twins:

OP:Ok well, my best friend is having twins, a boy and a girl, and she insist on naming her babies dark, very gothic names. Anyone have any suggestions for first and middle names?

Poster 1: I don't know if these will fit but i like them and i think they have a darkness to them.
Dart (Vader?)
Darwin (must be an intelligent design fan)

(I think this is "Druid." One very illiterate Druid.)
(That's funny, I think of onyx has having a darkness to it, too!)
Lava (Lava. Seriously. SHE JUST SUGGESTED LAVA.)

Poster 2:
-Friday (apparently, Saturday and Sunday just aren't goth enough)

(natural childbirth, perhaps?)


(Duck. DUCK.)
("Where you going?" "Oh, to pick up Stix.")
(I think they should just get it over with and name her "Green Fairy")

Poster 3: Hey isn't "goth" something that is associated with death, queen victoria, the rest of the victorian obsession with death and dying,Esp.with children,and babies,since not many lived. Also-Why are people making this a christian/non subject? Or is "goth" now a pagan thing? I thought it was just a pessimistic thing?

Poster 4: Jesus, get a brain, Gothic subculture is all about expression, unlike the new age yuppies of the world, religion is no subject, and some people t choose to be into the death part, you don't have to be all dark and depressed to be gothic, that' s a complete stereotype.

"Jesus, seriously. Our subculture is all about expression, which is why everyone dresses the same. That's what Gothic is. Get a brain! What? What's a triforium? What? No, I've never read Jane Eyre, why do you ask?"

Poster 5:
the gothic name for a boy is dracula, lusfer ,dhamipr ,crow, wolf
and here some gothic girl names, moon ,darlar , chilmmide, rubella

Ahhh. Chlamydia, there you are. At least, I think that's you. You're next to Rubella, so it's a bit hard to tell.

I have saved the truly terrifying for last. That's right. Namenerds. They've got a goth section. Oh the horror.

Ague - term for Malaria used from the middle ages up until the 20th century. (New sibset idea: Malady, Malaria, Ague and Chlamydia. WDYT???)
Autumn - season where everything dies (I guess that's one way to look at it.)
Avarice - Greed. One of the Seven Deadly Sins
Azazel - Hebrew Bible goat-like demon (Attractive.)
Candelaria - a plant family thought to drive away evil spirits in the middle ages (Note to parents: Do not name a brother and sister Azazel and Candelaria.)
Catafalque - coffin-shaped box covered with a black cloth used in place of a body if one is not available for the funeral. (Were any of you like me, and read "cattle f*ck" at first glance? Great name)
Clove - cigarettes that goths and art students smoke a lot of (at least they're honest. I want to name my kids Phillip Morris and Marlboro Camille, personally).
Cloven - what Satan's hoofs are (also an important distinction in kosher dietary law. Is "Shellfish" a goth name, do you suppose? What about "Pork"...?)
Dies Irae - mass for the dead (Actually, this means "Day of Wrath." Methinks someone has listened to the Requiem one too many times.)
Dystopia - the opposite of Utopia - theoretical place where everything sucks.
Funereal/funerea - put the "fun" in funeral! (You did not just say that.)
Imbolc Celtic festival - corresponds with St. Bridig's day (Feb. 1). Groundhog Day actually stems from this. (Awesome. I always wanted to name a kid after... Groundhog's Day.)
Morbosa/Morbosis - "horny" in latin (Intercoursana Ecstasy too overt for you, but still want to name your kid something SEXY? This one's perfect!) (Unless, of course, it means "horny" like "spiny." In which case, I hope a C-section is in order)
November - cold, crappy month in the northern hemisphere
Orchid - I don't know why, orchids pop up a lot in goth clubs, They're exotic and rare. (NB - "Orchid" is actually the Latin word for "testicle." Nice one, Gawth Mawm. Nice one.)
Pancuronium - a poisonous compound used in lethal injection death sentences.
Penance - what you have to do to make up for your sins (in this case, using any name on this list)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking of "dark" names. I was at a shoe store this weekend and one of the salesmen was named Onyx. I think it was a black pride thing though, like "Ebony". Not sure how I feel about naming your child a color/gemstone, but it could be worse.

Monday, October 23, 2006 10:54:00 AM  
Anonymous Amelia said...

Maleficent isn't any better than Malifacent, really, is it? ;)

Monday, October 23, 2006 5:24:00 PM  
Anonymous Michi said...

Good grief . . . I was just reading through your back-entries, and some of the user-submitted Name Nerds names that you listed I submitted.
Yes, I have a sad, sad past with 'unusual' names.
However, I feel an odd sort of pride over the fact that they both ended up in Um What? and Dada names. That's how bad I was. And I'm looking forward to seeing more of my stuff in your blog. Trust me, you'll find them.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006 8:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You left out some of the really good namenerds ones!


Marionette I just find them creepy

Oh, and I just /know/ I've gotta name my kid Foxglove! I mean, who can possibly make fun of that name? ;)

Thursday, October 26, 2006 9:57:00 AM  
Anonymous Rubella Chang said...

I hadn't visited your blog in a while. Please, never, ever stop making fun of these terrible names.

Sunday, October 29, 2006 10:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can we start talking about thanksgiving names now? Cranberry? Cinnamon? Tofurkey?

Thursday, November 02, 2006 8:32:00 AM  
Blogger Elke said...

I am a graduate student and once wandered over to the undergraduate campus for some poster presentations. While there, I saw a flyer for a talk later that week entitled: "Chlamydia is not a flower." Much laughter followed.

Sunday, June 17, 2007 11:20:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For the first person who posted; my daughters middle name is Onyx. We are WHITE!! It is not dark and it does not have anything to do with race. I believe that it is a strong name and has a beautiful story to go along with it!

Sunday, August 19, 2007 8:47:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Imbolc is a celebration for the coming spring and the lengthening of days...not exactly goth in my books. I hate when people choose names without fully researching. I mean, come on, if you are going to choose a completely ridiculous name at least know what it means.

Lets just get a random list of words. They are goth, so why can't they be the name of a goth child.

I think social services should step in here...then there should be forced sterilization. Seriously, RUBELLA!

I think poster #2 has some serious issues with his/her Monday through Friday job.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008 3:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about Onyx and Styx for a pair of boy-girl twins?

Friday, April 03, 2009 10:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Autumn - season where everything dies (I guess that's one way to look at it.)

Your sarcasm entertains me.

Friday, June 12, 2009 1:53:00 AM  
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Anonymous Kamagra said...

The one who would definitely get bottle-fed, really cracks me up!

Wednesday, November 03, 2010 1:30:00 PM  
Anonymous Baby Girl Names said...

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Umm, my birthday is in November. Thanks for that, rude much?

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Hello there!

I love your blog and spent many fun hours procrastinating on this site. I came across a video recently, and it made me think of you. It's from a British children's comedy called Horrible Histories and it shows some of the awful names Victorian families gave their children. Here is the link:

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