Monday, March 19, 2007

Back... for good?

I apologize, my dear readers, for my repeated extended hiatuses. Hiatii? As many of you know, I graduated last May and have been looking for life ever since. I recently got a fabulous job with a fabulous company, and have been working hard to learn all the new things that go along with new fabulous jobs... BUT this is not the reason for my absence.

The sad truth is, readers... that Godot has died. My trusty computer of five years. The keeper of all of my bad baby name links. Folders upon folders of them. A true tragedy. It's strange, suddenly being without those links. They were a gold mine. I am somewhat lost now, trying to pick up the trail of the bad names of the world. It was therefore with great joy that I discovered, quite by accident, some of the most ignorant comments on names known to man. No, I am not talking about NameNerds, though that's a fair guess. I actually found these on one of the most respectable name sites to date. I'm all for including user comments... but sometimes, there just needs to be a law.

A particular user on this particular site has managed to single-handedly confirm all my biases and prejudices about modern American youth. Her comments start out innocent enough:

ADELAIDE: This name sounds like lemonaid!

HEATHER: This name reminds me of a feather.

INNOCENT: This would be an awkward name for a person in court.

Cute. Light-hearted. Even witty, perhaps? Alas. It was not to be.

KEISHA: This name only looks right on girls with darker-colored skin.

Do people seriously say stuff like this in public? I like the euphemism of "darker-colored skin." "Oh no, I'm not saying Keisha is a black name. I'm just saying it doesn't work on white people."

ANJA: I love this name. But, I would rather pronounce it like it is spelled. (AN-JUH) Wouldn't you?

Not really, if I were Scandinavian. Like Anja is.

AISLING: It would be a better name if it was pronounced AYS-LIN. Aislin doesn't even have a G! Where does the ING sound come from?

From Ireland, believe it or not.

ZOE: The pronunciation of this name doesn't make any sense without the Y. ZOE looks like it is pronounced like ZOH. I prefer Zoey.

STUPID GREEKS, with your diaresis. You don't make ANY SENSE.

KALI: This name is NOT pronounced how it's spelled! It would be nice to say it like Kallie, rhyming with Hallie and Allie.

STUPID HINDUS, with your stupid goddess names! This name is NOT pronounced properly!

ALLEGRA: This name reminds me of algebra.

I am guessing that not much else in the world makes her think about algebra.

Nearly every comment she makes are comments like these. I figured it had to stop at some point. But that was before she suddenly veered into etymology:

AMAYA: I love this name! If you take off the A at the very beginning, and the A at the very end, it spells May. This would be a great name for someone who was born in the month of May.

YUMI: I think this name should mean "together" because the name is YUMI. Like, YOU and ME. YUMI.

BEAU: I believe this name means "BEAUTFUL" because if you add TIFUL to BEAU you get BEAUTIFUL.

So close, and yet, so far.

And it just keeps going.

CEDAR: If you ever have a child and you name it this name, and there is a twin, Sequoia and Aspen are very good names, especially for people who like nature! Cedar, Aspen, and Sequoia all have to do with trees! :-)

If she were four, I would congratulate her on her cleverness. That's right, honey! Those are all trees! I wonder what other twin combos she can come up with...

ALESSA: If you have twins, Alessa and Vanessa would be a good pick.

HOPE: This name is adorable! This would be a great name for a child born in a hurricane. Anyways, Hope and Faithe would be great names as a twin set!

STAR: If you have twins, it would be a great idea to name them Star and Stella. This is because Stella means "star".

A lot of the comments reveal that this girl is not only - um, slightly undereducated - she is also, shall we say... a little trashy? Notice how she is able to relate basically every name to wrestling:

BROOKE: Brooke is a Deal or No Deal game show model. Another Famous bearer is Brooke Hogan the singer who is the daughter of Terry (Hulk) Hogan, the wrestler.

BUFFY: Whoever has this name will eventually be made fun of. This is a horrible name because it makes me think of a wrestler.

PRISSY: This is my friend's name, but her real name id Priscilla. I prefer Priscilla in her case, but it's her choice. Anyways, this is NOT a good name for a wrestler! ;)

Phew, thanks! I was totally just wondering if Prissy would be a good name for my daughter/future-wrestler. Now I know what not to name her!!

The rest of her comments are just... inexplicably... agh.

AMITY: In the movie Jaws, the town that was attacked by the shark was called Amity. It is a very pretty name.

Non-sequitur WHHHAAAAA???

LAMYA: This name makes me think of a llama. A furry creature with big hairy hips. Like a hippo.


CHIRANJEEVI: This name reminds me of Corn. Yummy corn.

Maybe she is high? That would explain all of these comments. Plus the munchies.

CLOVER: This would be an awesome name for someone who was born on St. Patrick's Day!

No. Just no. A leprechaun's coming to kick your ass right now.

COOPER: On a video game, a character's name is Sly Cooper, and Cooper is the last name. If you ask me, I would use this name as a middle name because your child will be made fun of if this is his first name. I know this because COOPER RHYMES WITH POOPER.


GISELLE: Isn't this the name of a workout video?

Or a world-famous ballet. But yeah, that's kind of like a workout video.

DOT: This is a good name for a girl with zits.

All those zitty babies.

KIN: Doesn't this name mean "FAMILY" in Chinese?

I don't know... but it does mean "FAMILY" in English!

PARIDE: This name is spelled like parade. Parades are fun except the dancing part. Not really.

Yeah. Paride is spelled just like "parade." And maybe the dancing part would be more fun if you had the Giselle workout video?

PEONY: I like the spelling, but the pronunciation is just horrible! I reminds me of someone peeing down their knee! But, peony is a scent from BATH AND BODY WORKS, and it smells SO GOOD! I have it on right now!

I love the transition between peeing-down-your-knee and a Bath and Body Works scent. "I have it on right now!" Does she mean pee? Or lotion? Or... both?

SARAHJEANNE: Leave this name for the hobos.

Or maybe the wrestlers.